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Living with your ex – 30 expert tips to make it easier
The first week of January is known for break-ups – the Christmas period is over, and the hard light of day hits with the new year offering the chance for a clean break.
According to the latest statistics, 40% of marriages end before their silver wedding anniversary. And cohabiting couples are even more likely to break up than married ones.
But, with the costs and time associated with buying or renting a new place, sometimes moving out of a shared home can take longer to conclude than the initial break-up.
It’s no surprise then that more and more people are finding themselves forced to remain in the same home as their ex, at least in the short term.
In fact, some research done by Zoopla suggested that over a third of Britons who split from partners they own a home with are forced to continue living with them for an average of more than a year. One in eight in the survey even had to continue sharing a bedroom.
Breaking up is hard to do
Kate Daly, who set up amicable – an online divorce-without-solicitors service designed to make splitting up simpler, cheaper and less emotionally painful – after her own difficult divorce, points out that, today, breaking up is not as simple as TV dramas and the movies would have us believe.
For most families, the days when one partner could move out into their own place relatively easily and quickly are over.
Kate puts it starkly: “Only the rich can afford to move out when they separate these days.”
Challenging situation
Clinical psychologist and mental-health expert Dr Sophie Mort, from Headspace, says, “Living with your ex after a break-up is a challenging situation, but, for many, it becomes a reality because of financial constraints or the complicated logistics of housing today.
“The key to making it work is creating physical and psychological boundaries that allow everyone – ex-partners, children, and even pets – to feel safe and secure.”
Psychologically, the impact of being stuck in a house with someone you’re no longer in a relationship with can be tough.
Psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner says, “[Living together] can have a limiting impact on both parties’ freedom and ability to move on from the situation.
“In a typical break-up scenario, both people have space to process the ending of the relationship, and to grieve the loss of the other partner before beginning to move on.
“However, when partners live together, this process can feel difficult, or even impossible.”
Emotional toll
She continues, “Without the full loss of the other person’s presence, it might be hard to come to terms with the ending of the relationship, and people might also feel they can’t date or bring romantic partners back to the space.
“The proximity of your partner can cause emotional confusion, too, perhaps leading to irritation, resentment, frustration, or even a longing to re-establish the relationship.”
So, the emotional cost can be high. But what can you do to make the situation easier? We’ve got some useful rules to help.
It’s important to say, this advice relates to non-abusive relationships. If your relationship is abusive, you should get out of the situation as soon as possible, by whatever means necessary.
1. Remember it’s not just you
Kate says it can help you feel like less of a failure if you remind yourself that this is a situation being experienced by many, many people.
She says, “Don’t feel alone. It’s such a common situation these days. There’s nothing to feel ashamed of.”
Shame can be transformed into a more useful emotion by viewing it as a signal to reflect, grow, and align future actions with personal values and self-respect.
2. Communicate, communicate, communicate
Eloise says, “Communication might be the most important thing to start with. If it’s possible to communicate well with your ex, try sitting together to discuss the situation – boundaries, expectations, finances, practicalities, feelings and emotions.
“This can help you figure out what will work best to help to meet the needs and preferences of both people.”
Family lawyer James Maguire, of Maguire Family Law, says, “My toughest cases are those where there is little or no communication.
“If need be, communicate via texts or relatives, but do communicate.”
Try to focus on the future and on practical issues, and keep things neutral. Don’t get sucked into replaying old arguments.
3. Set boundaries
Dr Sophie says, “The emotional complexity of living with your ex can’t be overestimated.
“The most important step in preventing resentment or emotional strain is establishing clear communication channels and boundaries.
“This might mean having an explicit discussion about how to treat each other with respect, setting ground rules for interactions, and discussing sensitive topics only when necessary.”
4. Get some ground rules
Kate says, “Living in the same house is a different experience when you’re no longer together as a couple.
“You need ground rules about everything from dating to shopping. “
Peter Burgess, from family law firm, Burgess Mee, agrees, “Ground rules are usually a good idea.
“There should be some basic principles for sharing common areas, such as how the spouses interact with each other, and financial arrangements would need to be jointly agreed.
“All this could be decided in a mediation session.”
5. Use mediation
Peter explains, “Mediation is a voluntary process where the two partners meet with an independent person who facilitates a discussion on issues of their choosing – separation arrangements, kids, finances, and so on.
“The mediator doesn’t give them advice, but provides a framework for them to work through issues. He or she can provide information that might be relevant, but not how it would apply to their process.
“In divorce, non-court dispute resolution is now a necessary first step before any further steps are taken towards court, and courts now have significant powers to send people off to do mediation, or to penalise couples who haven’t gone through that first step without a good reason.”
It can really help to resolve tricky issues to have a third party present.
6. Take professional advice
Kate says, “It’s really important to sit down with someone who can give you sound advice on the emotional and financial side of things as well as understanding the legal issues.”
Organisations such as amicable offer free consultation calls to help give people an understanding of the options and the different experts who can help.
Finance and property professionals can give you facts about your current and future situation.
These may be tough to face. But facts, even hard facts, are better than endless negative rumination. Just talking about your situation out loud is an important first step.
Professionals will have seen lots of people in similar situations to you.
And, as well as up-to-date information about the housing market, your rights, etc, they will likely have ideas and suggestions you might not have thought of on your own.
We know from research done by The University of Bristol and the Nuffield Foundation that women in particular miss out on fair settlements when no third part expert is involved – especially when it comes to pensions (only 11% typically share their spouse’s pension).
7. Look at your options together
Kate advises, “If you can, sit down with your ex to look at the likely housing options available to you both going forward.
“If you both understand clearly how tight the finances are, and what the realistic options are, it will hopefully remove pressure on either of you to come up an impossible, unrealistic solution.”
8. Zone the home
Kate says, “Sharing a house with someone you’re no longer in a relationship generally has a shelf life of a year or two maximum.
“People can’t handle it much longer than that.” She adds, “If one partner has moved out though, the situation can go on longer, as the person who has stayed in the family home may have little incentive to progress the divorce.”
If you’re both in the same home and noone’s going anywhere any time soon, creating physical boundaries can be as important as asserting emotional boundaries.
Dr Sophie says, “Create clear, designated spaces for each person. This could be as simple as partitioning rooms with furniture or curtains to delineate personal space.
“If possible, assign each person a bedroom (and even a bathroom) to give them a sense of autonomy.”
Peter Burgess points out that, if your house is big enough, simply dividing it in two could actually be a viable co-parenting solution.
He recalls, “We had one case where someone divided a house in two by building a wall and separate entrances.
But, for most people, with one kitchen, one dining room and one entrance, this isn’t really practical or possible, especially where things haven’t yet been finally resolved.”
Kate says, “Zoning is a whole lot easier in a bigger house. But it can still be done in a smaller home.”
9. Use space creatively
Interior designer Nicolene Mausenbaum says, “Spaces like basements, garages or attics could be converted into additional living space to help increase your personal zones.
“Adding a minifridge, microwave and kettle to each space for convenience could help make it feel more like home (and avoid undue interactions and friction).
“This could even be a great opportunity to redecorate your private space to reflect your personality and personal taste, in this new phase of your life.
“Invest in multifunction furniture, such as Murphy beds, fold-down desks, or sofa beds, to get the most out of small rooms, and install acoustic panels, curtains and door draft stoppers to reduce noise transmission between your separate areas.”
10. Divide rooms
Nicolene continues, “Designate storage cabinets for each of you – or install extra ones – so your belongings don’t overlap. These can also serve as room-dividers.
“If you’ve got a large living space that can be easily divided using rugs, shelving and screens, that’s a great way to create boundaries and make a space your own.
“Just be sure to allow natural light into both areas.
“Each person could have their own personal corner in a shared room to engage in their own work or hobbies.”
11. Create a safe zone
Dr Sophie says, “You could create a ‘safe zone’ for emotional reset.
“This could be a designated room, corner of a room, or even a specific time of day where you both agree to avoid interaction unless it’s absolutely necessary.
“This is like a temporary emotional detox area that allows each person to decompress and avoid unnecessary drama.”
12. Stick to a routine
She also advises, “This situation requires establishing some sort of schedule that allows individual and collective routines to coexist harmoniously.
“Routines can provide stability and minimise awkwardness or tension between exes.”
13 Think about ‘time-sharing’
Dr Sophie adds, “You could consider ‘time-sharing’ common spaces.
“For instance, set ‘quiet hours’ in the living room, when both partners can use the space to relax or unwind, but not at the same time.
“Similarly, you could make the kitchen a ‘community’ zone with shared meals, but schedule specific times for cooking to avoid overlap.
“The idea is to carve out pockets of togetherness that are on your terms, not forced interactions.” Nicolene suggests using a shared calendar to coordinate use of common spaces.
Peter recalls, “We had a case where the clients house-shared according to a timetable, where each of them stayed in their room on particular nights, while the other had access to the rest of the house.”
14. Consider ‘birdnesting’
A more extreme version of this solution is known as “birdnesting”.
Peter explains, “With children, there’s the option of ‘birdnesting’, where parents take it in turns to live in the house with their children part of the time, and move in and out to alternate locations – a grandparent, sibling or friend’s house, perhaps, or a rented studio or apartment.”
James has his doubts about this solution as he has known too many people who can’t resist snooping in their ex’s belongings, bedroom – and life – while they aren’t there.
15. Respect each other’s privacy
On the subject of privacy, Dr Sophie advises, “Set guidelines around entering each other’s spaces, and borrowing personal items, as well as social-media boundaries.
“It’s important to acknowledge that you’re no longer a couple, and respecting each other’s privacy is key.”
16. Get out of the house
She continues, “If possible, arrange for one of you to work in a café, library, or a co-working space sometimes.
“This not only breaks up the monotony of shared living, but also helps to preserve a sense of individuality and personal space that might feel harder to maintain in the home.”
17. Set financial rules
John points out it’s important to have clear financial boundaries, too, and to discuss who will contribute to bills, rent/mortgage, and any shared household expenses.
Dr Sophie suggests using shared-expense apps to track who owes what; and creating a communal fund for household expenses based on income or agreed-upon percentages.
“This keeps things more equitable, especially if there’s a significant income disparity,” she says.
18. Set aside cash for self-care
If you’ve got the means, she also recommends setting aside personal budgets for individual self-care.
This could mean allocating funds for therapy, activities that promote wellbeing, or even occasional personal indulgences.
She says, “Having that can help prevent feelings of resentment, especially if one person is doing more emotional labour than the other.”
19. Work on yourself
Cohabiting with your ex is certainly a “personal growth opportunity”. Kate says,
“It’s important to foster a sense of personal independence, and process your grief at the break-up. Work with a therapist or counsellor, if you need to.
This will help prepare you for the next stage of your life, as a single person.”
Dr Sophie says, “After a breakup, the emotional recovery process varies for everyone, and this should be respected in the shared living space.
“One person might be ready to move on, while the other might still be processing feelings. Navigating this can be tricky.
“Therapy or counselling can be beneficial for both partners if there’s unresolved tension, or difficulty navigating the new arrangement, while individual therapy might help each person process the emotional dynamics of living with an ex.”
20. Check-in regularly
Dr Sophie suggests scheduling regular “house meetings” to discuss how things are going, what each person needs, and whether the current arrangements are working.
She says, “Keeping this dialogue open reduces the chance of misunderstandings or simmering frustration.”
21. Give each other emotional space
At the same time, you need to give each other space.
Sophie says, “Be mindful of the fact that you will both need time and space to heal. If things get too emotionally charged, take a break from the situation.
“A solo walk, a visit to a friend, or a day out of the house can do wonders.”
Eloise suggests, “Having a back-up plan for nights where it feels too difficult (a friend’s place, or family member’s house) can also be helpful, even just to reassure you that you do always have options.”
22. Consider a separation agreement
Sophia Mellor, head of family law at Blythe Liggins Solicitors, says, “I’d strongly recommend any separating couple enters into a separation agreement – especially if they’re married and divorce isn’t being contemplated in the immediate aftermath of the separation.
She warns, “There’s no legislation governing separation agreements, but, if an agreement is drafted properly and both parties meet a number of criteria, it should give them some certainty about what the long-term arrangements are going to be, if they do decide to go ahead with a divorce or judicial separation.
“For cohabiting couples, there’s no legislation to protect either person. But, if the couple jointly owns property, some claims may be available in the civil courts.
“So, it’s just as important for them to enter into a separation agreement to set out their intentions and arrangements for their financial assets to avoid subsequent difficulties.”
James, on the other hand, feels many people could save money by drawing up an informal agreement themselves to cover similar issues and avoid the cost of involving lawyers.
Sophia adds, “Separating couples who are parents can also agree on a parenting plan to ensure some stability in the arrangements for their children, and to offer certainty in the event of a dispute arising.”
24. Prioritise children’s wellbeing
Talking of children, Dr Sophie says, “If you have children, your cohabitation arrangements need to prioritise their wellbeing as well.
“Children can pick up on tension between parents, even when they’re not overtly exposed to conflict.”
Kate Daly agrees: “Children will know more than you think. Even if you think they aren’t affected, it may show in their behaviour at school or when they are with grandparents.”
25. Be united in front of the kids
Dr Sophie advises, “It’s important to show a united front in front of your children, even if you’re no longer together.
“Reassure them that they are loved, and that the living situation is temporary and practical.”
James adds, “Reassure them what’s happening isn’t their fault. And don’t talk badly about your ex to them.”
26. Respect kids’ need for stability
Dr Sophie says, “Try to create a sense of normality for children, even if it means sticking to old family routines or holiday traditions.”
At the same time, Kate recommends scheduling solo-parenting weekends, where one of you goes out and the other looks after the children on their own.
“It’s a good way for the children to get used to spending time with just one parent.
Dr Sophie points out, “If done well, this living arrangement, can be an opportunity for your kids to see healthy co-parenting in action.
“It’s a model for how two people can still support one another, even outside the context of a romantic relationship.
“And this could be a powerful lesson on cooperation, emotional resilience, and mutual respect.”
27. Have a vision for your future
Kate says, “It’s important to remember that, whatever happens, you’re not alone. And to tell yourself that, whatever happens, you will be OK.
“It’s important to have some self-belief. Like many difficult situations, sometimes the only thing you change about it is your response rather than the situation itself.”
Eloise agrees: “Making plans for your future – for a time when it’s financially possible to move – is essential: this will give you a point of focus, a sense of motivation, and a feeling of moving onwards, even if you do have to stay physically in the same space for a while.”
James Maguire too feels that having a vision of what you’re working towards and an end date are vital to release some of the tension in what is a high-pressure situation.
28. Try to avoid ending up in this situation
If you’re already in this situation, unpicking your finances is likely going to be tough.
But Ben Thompson, of Mortgage Advice Bureau, has useful advice that could help you avoid ending up in this situation in the first place.
He says, “While married couples have certain rights when it comes to their shared home, this’s not the case for unmarried couples.
“One way you can protect your rights is by getting a cohabitation agreement.
“This sets out how you and your buying partner organise your finances and property while living together, and what the protocol will be in the case of you splitting up, becoming ill or passing away.
“This kind of agreement can be arranged by a family solicitor and can also be used by friends or family who are moving in together.”
29. Be kind to yourself
Living in limbo – especially with an annoying ex – is hard.
So be kind to yourself. Kate points out, “Living with your ex is in some ways like living with you parents as a teenager or young adult.
“You’re all having to negotiate new ways of interacting as independent adults. It’s hard. But it’s possible.”
30. Respect your ex
James is right to emphasise that one of the most important elements in getting through this whole situation is mutual respect.
He points out that most relationship breakdowns aren’t a case of one evil and one good person but rather two human beings whose relationship broke down over many years despite their best efforts.
Bonus tip: Don’t go there…
Last but not least, if you’re certain the relationship is over, don’t get tempted to rekindle it by big feelings – or large quantities of alcohol.
When you’re living in close proximity to someone you have loved, booze and sadness can so easily tempt you to forget the bad times and climb back into bed together.
But, if you know the break needs to happen, stay resolute. Muddying the waters with break-up sex will only prolong the agony.
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